Why is it so hard? So hard to draw the line, move on, forgive and forget, wave goodbye and walk off into the sunset with a big smile on your face? Now before you think – OMG what HAS happened in camp RB, I will confess that it’s nothing really. Nothing has happened except for the passing of time and the realization that I have built up a few of my own closure issues over the course of the year and I figured that I may just as well talk to you about it.
So….. here we go.
Issue number 1: THE BOOK.
I haven’t said much about my beloved book in this blog because I didn’t want to get too excited about it. Work started with gusto over in March this year and continued to pick up pace throughout the year culminating in a flurry of activity in July when the lovely Lucia arrived from Denver to ‘shoot’ me and my mates, my home environment, my props and my travels. I researched and practiced my recipes, interviewed people, attended philosophy class and did my homework and by September my book was coming together. BUT then something happened, I got busy with other stuff and ran out of the puff required to drive this baby home and that’s where it stayed all bar a couple of minor energy surges until this very day.
My book was constipated – know the feeling? When you know that holding on to something is going to be more painful in the long run than letting it flow? Well, that’s what I’ve been feeling like, bloated, heavy, sluggish and a little bit stale.
Issue number 2: The bike.
I love my bike but this year it has forgotten what I look like. Time after time I have forgone an hour or two’s ride to carry on working on some customer or others project, write a blog post, research some chemistry or generally faff around on facebook. For a while there I kidded myself that a) I am still fit enough to get out there and rip it up with the best of them, b) It’s not been that long and there is always tomorrow and c) It will do me good to have a break from bike racing, especially now I’m on the wrong side of 35!
Of course I was and still am being rather silly. I love my bike, I miss my bike and I am now a few Kg wobblier thanks to not showing my bike some love. By November this year I started to feel very un-like me. Having been sporty since forever I have been used to having muscles and am quite in tune with my body. To watch it slowly melt in front of my very eyes while I look on, tired from too much work and too little self-love is not pretty and before you (and I) get all ‘oh but it doesn’t matter it’s not about how you look’ this is NOT about how I look, it’s about how I feel and I feel like I stepped into the wrong body and it’s going blah, blah, blah… The time has come for me to stop with the self neglect and get back on my bike. It’s time to draw the line and get back on that bike. Time to make time for me, time for closure on self-sacrifice.
Issue number 3: The Family.
I am a happy little bean pretty much all of the time. If I had to have a word (in the style of Eat, Pray, Love) my word would be ENERGY. I don’t know why or how but I always seem to be able to pull a little more out of the pot to go faster, longer, harder, better, stronger than most other people who I know. I am allergic to making a big deal out of things, despise whingeing and feel a sense of pride at being able to suck it up and when it comes to families, that helps. A. Lot. Now it’s not that I want total closure in an ‘I’m never going to talk to you again’ kind of way. I don’t want to leave, ignore or neglect them and they haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to re-visit the relationship that I have with the family that I was born into, not the one I’ve ‘made’. You see it’s been a few years since I went back ‘home’ and last time I had the distraction of my husband and young children. Now the only thing that stands between my 36-year-old self and my past is a 24 hour plane ride and a hire car. A lot has happened since the last time, children have been born, ideas have flourished and empires have been built. It feels like we’ve all grown up a bit and it’s time to celebrate that and re-connect. Time to close the distance and enjoy some common ground.
So, what’s next?
Well, while it looks like my bike is going to have to spend another month being un-loved and un-ridden (I’m off to the UK sans my hubby Mr Bling) while I cart my wobblier legs around a cold and frosty Europeland for a month. The other two ‘to do’s’ are about to be DONE.
The book that I’ve been writing this year is all about the journeys we take as women, the places we go to find ourselves and the hurdles that we have to overcome to get there. I believe that the reason I’ve been so constipated with it is that it is waiting for the final chapter. The chapter that delves into our ability to draw the line behind past relationships, dynamics and expectations and embraces the present and future with open arms. The book was waiting for England, waiting to be taken back full-circle and while I no longer call England home, having spent the first 29 years of my life there it’s significance can’t be overlooked.
I am about to embark on a women’s journey with my two young girls, a journey where I will see my mother re-marry, my sister have her fourth baby, my dad introduce me to his new partner and my old friends share their stories over numerous coffees and biscuits. My journey will see many doors open and many old doors close as we move onwards and upwards through the emotional maze that is life.
2010 has been good to me, I’ve come a long way and have enjoyed the ride BUT it hasn’t been without its fair share of small print and that has been challenging. So, while my bike can wait a month or so my family and my book can’t so I’m off to England to search for this years missing puzzle piece as I look forward to living through the writing of a new chapter in my families history.
So before I go, you may be wondering what closure means to me and what exactly I am trying to close?
I realize that I need closure on an issue or problem when I’ve played it over and over in my mind time and time again, rolled different scenarios around in my head, verbalised plans, made notes and sought advice from the north, south, east and west edges of my contact group. It’s the kind of thought process that comes to a head in the middle of the night, jolting you awake and making you feel like a light bulb just came on in your mind. It can be as simple as realizing that in order to get back on your bike you have to schedule it into the diary and enroll a champion to help break your ‘not tonight’ cycle of thought. It can be as complex as confronting your loved ones about their hopes, fears and dreams, their goals and ambitions and their fears. It’s as simple as it’s complicated, as fast as it is slow but most of all it is said and done in full consciousness and that’s hard.
My closure issues are not big ‘skeleton in the cupboard’ unspeakable nor are they very exciting but they are important and I think that working through them will help me to finish my book, connect with my family on a deeper level and re-claim some ‘me’ time.
Nobody said it was easy….