Reasons to be thankful – Manic Energy.
I have been sick this week but I have also been busy – too busy and too many people involved to call in sick and cancel and as such I’ve just got on with it.
I had a momentary melt down on Tuesday night when I got into my bed at 10pm for an early night as I could feel the fever growing only to get out again at 10.15 because I had forgotten something important to do with my work the next day. I got a bit done then set my alarm for 5am so that I could get up early and get on with it. The fever came and I did it anyway.
On Tuesday I’d also been to see my favourite alternative medicine woman, Anada Jones for some acupuncture and had been whinging on at her a bit really about how I just can’t seem to balance out my energy flow – I’m either manic or crashing. Well, not crashing because I never feel depressed about it all – more that I feel completely depleted of energy, like a car trying to start when the battery is flat. It doesn’t. And by manic I don’t mean that I am bouncing off the walls with my head on another planet, I mean the kind of manic that can have you write 6000 great words before your 8am cup of tea and still have more flowing out of you. The manic that designs an amazing formula in an instant, that nails that marketing campaign. THAT kind of manic.
By Wednesday night I got into bed and really did feel over it. I was tired, sick and wound up about the amount of things I really had to do but just couldn’t given the time of day and looming deadlines. I turned to my husband and thanked him for loving me when I struggle to love myself. I drew some comfort from the hug he gave me even though it didn’t really solve my big problem – I hadn’t got everything done yet and so I got up again and worked for another hour.
By Friday morning the major storm had passed and while I had now lost my voice and was still burning up a treat I felt much better mentally and through the clearing brain fog I visualised a quote:
” Love every part of you for it is the manic times that give you strength, push you on and feed your creative soul. Through mania comes clarity”.
Sounds like a load of complete brollox I know but that is how it happened.
For the first time in a long time I felt somewhat (and I say somewhat as I was still sick and very tired) grateful for my jagged little energy highs and lows. I am extremely lucky to not suffer from any kind of depression and have learned over the last seven years of having a business how to avoid having work issues get to the heart of me. That said I have still been struggling with the overload and overwhelm that can come when jobs back up and I am yet to find a sense of balance within that but I know it will come.
I am writing this as I know how many of my readers are in similar positions to me. I run a business that isn’t just a hobby – this is how I feed my kids, pay for their schooling and hobbies, pay for the trips back to the UK to connect with extended family. I have children that I am connected to, I love and cherish and want to spend time with. I have a husband (of 15 years this week) that I enjoy the company of and want to do more with. I am a person who enjoys mountain bike racing, the gym, dog walks and time outdoors. I just can’t do it all right now all of the time to the best of my ability. Not all of it.
So I sit here on a Saturday morning working out what I didn’t get to and how to fit that in between now and Monday or Tuesday so that I don’t annoy any clients, let anyone down (myself mainly) and don’t suffer any more nights where I just can’t switch off and I know that while I sometimes hate it, my manic energy boosts will get me through.
I just need one more cup of tea and a bit of a hug.