When you don’t fit in.
It has been one of those weeks where I have found myself feeling like I don’t really fit in outside of my little bubble again and before I go on I am completely aware that these are just my FEELINGS and that feelings are perception and perception is not always based on reality but as you probably well know, feelings have a habit of feeling very real and so I’ll go on.
I exist within a space that I have created, a space that I have nurtured and chiseled over the last seven years of consulting. A space that is growing, that has a global following, dare I say it a ‘Fan base’. Mine is a profitable space, financially as well as emotionally and academically as I go deeper and deeper into my cosmetic chemistry investigations, grinding away at the walls of it all until I connect with the heart of the formulating or research question I am facing. Most of the time I love it but there are times, like this week when I am reminded that outside of my space I can end up feeling awkward and slightly alien.
But I don’t want to feel like that any more. I’m over it.
It was one of the many conversations that I’d had this week that sparked the negative thought cycle, I came away from it feeling judged and not good enough, as if the other persons pre-conceived ideas of me had just been realised, almost like I’d dropped myself in it or walked into a trap. Whether I did or not was immaterial, I felt terrible, lonely and deflated like no matter how much good I did in the world that because I couldn’t do THAT or didn’t do THIS I was worthless.
There wasn’t enough time during the week to go through the cycle of wallowing> getting angry> working through it> making a plan > healing so I’ve been carrying what feels like thought constipation all week and to be quite honest, I’m over that too! Time to face these feelings head on.
I know that nobody can make you FEEL anything but in my experience that doesn’t stop us feeling things when other people either accidentally or purposefully pull our emotional trigger.
I know that I don’t have to PROVE myself to anybody but that doesn’t stop me preferring approval to rejection.
I am only human and humans like this stuff.
But I strongly felt the need to get over myself.
I recognised that I need to be more comfortable with who and what I am, with the space I take up and the way I go about things.
I don’t need to apologise to anyone.
I am entitled to a right to reply, to challenge and to be heard.
2014 has been the year of the Wild Woman for me, a time where I’ve focused on being my full self, being open and honest, tackling things head-on and standing in my power. I guess part of my sadness this week was around the realisation that while I feel like some kick ass warrior woman some days it doesn’t take much for someone to kick me back down again. To be honest that shocked me and made me question just how far I’ve got.
But then I saw this and knew that I would be OK:
I’m not a silly little girl but the part of me that gets hurt by my interpretation of what others say or do may well be. The choice of phrase isn’t great but the sentiment is still valid. Words are powerful, and the energy and vibe that we pick up from others has power too – the power we give it based on our expectations and experiences.
I must stop giving these words power, I can do that I really can!
And then today during my meditation time I drew out the Goddess card Baba Yaga and knew that whatever rubbish the mortal world throws at me, spiritually I’m on the right path and when all is said and done, that’s what really matters:
I walk in the forest
and speak intimately with the animals
I dance barefoot in the rain
without any clothes
I travel on pathways
that I make myself
and in ways that suit me
my instincts are alive and razor-sharp
my intuition and sense of smell are keen
I freely express my vitality
my sheer exuberant joyfulness
to please myself
because it is natural
It is what needs to be
I am the wild joyous life force
Come and meet me.
I’m far too much of a nerdy scientist to be dancing barefoot in the rain without any clothes but I do travel on pathways that I make myself and yes, my instincts serve me well. Maybe it is because of this unique mix of science logic and mystic hippy-crazy lady that leads to me feeling like I don’t fit in, or maybe on a deeper level I just don’t want to but either way I no longer care. I am what I am and what I am is fabulous.
Finally I share these thoughts with you because I know that in the game of BIG BUSINESS we are told that it doesn’t pay to be weak, to let down your guard, to be vulnerable or easily affected but I don’t want to live in that world because THAT IS NOT TRUE. Business is about people and while I agree we have to negotiate our emotional baggage away from the boardroom table denying that we have any is all that is wrong with the world.
If you don’t fit in stand out and stand tall. There’s more room to stretch your legs here anyway and what’s more exciting is that we can see the stars from here.